At the end of the release, we moved on the heart of the session. Steven Jay and I worked on saying “no” to various sensual requests. Ironically, it was hard to say no for different reasons (I actually wanted him to touch my thigh or caress my cheek), but the practice was good for me. I have historically had a very difficult time in saying no to unwanted advances. Speaking my truth has been a challenge.
This exercise was empowering. When he got to my throat, we focused on clearing the many years of silence. We vocalized the fear of saying “no” when you don’t know what the consequences will be. We replaced it with a clear connection to spirit and a new ability to voice personal truth. As Steven massaged my throat, I felt energy running in my second chakra.
Next, we decided to work on awakening my breasts, since I felt a lot of anxiety in them. My step grandfather molested me when I was 11 years old, and I could still feel his hands on my budding breasts. Steven agreed that this was a good place to start. Synchronized breath was an integral part of the entire session. As he slowly and carefully massaged my chest, I felt my heart begin to open. Steven asked permission every step of the way, and I have never felt so loved and supported. As he cupped my left breast, I was overcome with a feeling of gratitude.
It was as if my breast was yelling “thank you, thank you, thank you.” My right breast had a different story. As he outlined the circumference of my right breast, I felt rage and fear. “How can I support you?” Steven asked me, as I replied “please hold the space.” Eventually the fear transmuted and, through some pretty tough tears, I breathed light into my right breast (I have lumps in this breast that doctors once thought were cancerous. I am convinced it is the fear I had been holding on to).
My bodily aches and pains all manifest on my right side, my male side. I have chronic shoulder, hip and knee pain. This all makes sense to me now, as I realize I have been cutting off divine male energy to my own body. As Steven continued down my body, we discovered another stark contrast in my inner thighs. My right inner thigh housed remarkable shame, guilt and fear. My left inner thigh felt clear and grateful. I feel this truly symbolizes my inability to connect with God, up until now. With connected breath and high intentions, Steven cleared the old stagnant energy out of my body and replaced it with pure channeled love. He helped create a very safe place where I was able to be fully present.
As the old energy cleared and I allowed the divine masculine to enter my energy field, my body began to awaken. I felt channels of excitement I had never tapped into before. My sexuality, it seemed, was not centered in my yoni or even in my breasts, but maybe in my entire body! From my hair to my toenails, I felt alive and connected to both aspects of divinity. As Steven lovingly honored my body, I heard the same thought in my head, over and over: “So this is what it feels like to be open? Hallelujah!” I felt ecstatic, alive, enlightened. This feeling surpassed any “normal” sexual experience I had ever had.
The Sacred Stag Returns
Before my red session with Steven Jay, I had done a few white events. I had noticed that, with a few of the men I had practiced with, I saw a large stag in their energy field. I had thought this was their animal spirit guide. But then I realized it was mine. The deer stag was symbolic of the divine masculine, and he had finally come for me. I was ready and it was time to speak the truth—my truth. This was the stag White Hawk had drawn 10 years ago, his stately antlers wrapping around my throat.
The sacred stag approaches me. His antlers reach to the heavens, divine antennae to spirit. He breathes light into my crown, opening my channel. He presses his forehead to mine, awakening my sight. He licks my throat, clearing out old messages and disintegrating chains that would bind me and keep me from speaking my truth. He presses his breast to mine and warms my heart with light. His presence seeps into my center and empowers me. His pure masculinity pierces my sacral chakra and his unconditional love anchors me to this earth. I finally feel safe. He lifts me onto his back and carries me down a new path—where two roads converge, masculine and feminine, and I stand strong and true as a whole woman.